An Emotional Sinkhole.

by katelin on January 16, 2014

That’s what I’ve been in lately. An emotional sinkhole. As I briefly mentioned before, last Friday’s doctor’s appointment was not the best. Basically I was told that the medication I’d been taking for months had done absolutely nothing. Every month when we thought there was hope I’d get pregnant was in fact a really big dream since it wasn’t ever going to happen.

Yes it was a blow and yes there is a plan moving forward. New drugs that will most likely have to be injected (AWESOME – note: so much sarcasm) and more tests. So we wait and wait some more.

In the meantime, several friends and family have announced their pregnancies. And instead of instant joy and happiness, it’s been met with absolute rage and jealousy. I can’t even hide it if I want to. It’s not pretty.

Basically my range of emotions has looked like this:
Rage –> Jealously –> Sadness –> Optimism–> Contentment

And I hate it.

I want to be happy right away for my friends. I want to be excited when someone tells me they’re pregnant. But right now, I just can’t. Instead, every new pregnancy announcement has reduced me to tears and asking the age old question “Why isn’t it my turn?”

And I hate it even more.

I am not this person. But it seems like right now I can’t really be anyone else.


Posted in Me Things

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