An Emotional Sinkhole.

by katelin on January 16, 2014

That’s what I’ve been in lately. An emotional sinkhole. As I briefly mentioned before, last Friday’s doctor’s appointment was not the best. Basically I was told that the medication I’d been taking for months had done absolutely nothing. Every month when we thought there was hope I’d get pregnant was in fact a really big dream since it wasn’t ever going to happen.

Yes it was a blow and yes there is a plan moving forward. New drugs that will most likely have to be injected (AWESOME – note: so much sarcasm) and more tests. So we wait and wait some more.

In the meantime, several friends and family have announced their pregnancies. And instead of instant joy and happiness, it’s been met with absolute rage and jealousy. I can’t even hide it if I want to. It’s not pretty.

Basically my range of emotions has looked like this:
Rage –> Jealously –> Sadness –> Optimism–> Contentment

And I hate it.

I want to be happy right away for my friends. I want to be excited when someone tells me they’re pregnant. But right now, I just can’t. Instead, every new pregnancy announcement has reduced me to tears and asking the age old question “Why isn’t it my turn?”

And I hate it even more.

I am not this person. But it seems like right now I can’t really be anyone else.

 

Posted in Me Things
  • Kiraa

    Giant, huge hugs! I wish I could help.

  • 1. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through, I’m so sorry.
    2. You’re allowed to feel this way. You’re allowed to be angry, emotional, crying. That’s the emotions you’re feeling so let them be. That’s your process, that’s your story and if anyone doesn’t get it or gives your slack, have um call me.
    3. Hugs. xo

  • Kate

    Oh mam, I so know these emotions. We obviously had different issues since I could get pregnant like it was my job but couldn’t seem to keep the babies, but the emotions and rage at pregnancy announcements is oh so very familiar. I even had to deal with them with my own sister’s pregnancy. It sucked. I got so sick of trying to explain myself and havin people not get it. Even my very best friend said something along the lines of “I hate it when people talk about not being happy for pregnant people or get mad at them for complaining. Get over it!” I just stared at her, open mouthed. It’s so complicated to try to explain to people that every time you hear about someone else’s success in the baby area, your heart re-breaks and you have to figure out how to fix yourself. Again.

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing wih this. No one should have to, but please know that there are people who have and we get it and you and the crazy emotional ride. And we’re rooting for you!!!

  • Kate

    Also? Pardon my type-o mess up there. Early morning iPad typing isn’t my strong suit!

  • I’m so sorry, Katelin. I know how very little there is that I can say to make this feel any better. The one thing I kept reminding myself of was how lucky we are to live in a day and age where there is SO MUCH that you can do to eventually get our miracle baby. It doesn’t make the pain any less sharp, or the jealousy any less horrible, but it’s a little glimmer of optimism that makes your days bearable. I am so hopeful for you guys, and please know that if you ever have any questions or just need to talk, I’m here for you.

  • Sending giant hugs and love!

  • DEFINITELY sending giant bear hugs and lots of yummy wine and gluten free treats!!

    Nothing really to say other than THAT SUCKS. BIG TIME.

    I hate having to fake the “happy smile” when I hear pregnancy announcements… and then counting the minutes until I can go do the ugly cry… For some reason it’s especially hard for me when it’s their second child – why do they get TWO when I don’t even have ONE?!?!?!

  • This MIGHT help you…if not, I’m sorry and please disregard it. I read it a few months ago and it really helped me think about my jealousy: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-your-friends-happy-news-fills-you-with-envy-instead-of-joy/

    I’m so sorry. This sucks and the pain you’re feeling right now is not fair. Please, please, please don’t forget to practice self-compassion, okay? You’re in dire need of kindness right now, so don’t withhold it from yourself.

    Thinking of you,

    A

  • San

    Isn’t it kind of funny how for the longest time we try to prevent getting pregnant and then, when the time feels right, our bodies won’t cooperate?

    I saw my sister go through problems getting pregnant and it was heart-breaking. I know this is so hard for you and Matt. Please know that I am sending positive vibes.

    xoxo

  • Hugs. I can’t even pretend to really understand this bitter cycle you’re in, but I know it sucks and I’m sorry it’s sucky.

    xox

  • Hugs, friend. I think it’s good and healthy that you can recognize and I guess…”own” these emotions. They suck and hurt but they are legitimate and we totally understand why you feel this way. It’s okay to hurt, even if we wish you didn’t hurt.

    That said, if you go down the path that includes giving yourself shots, you are gonna feel like a REAL BADASS when you do it, and realize it’s really not that bad after all. :) Everything on the path to getting a baby is worth it, even the needles.

  • I am so sorry, Katelin. SO sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I’m just very sad and frustrated and ragey on your behalf. :(

    I know all about feeling anger and jealousy when someone has happy news. This happens to me a lot when someone who was formerly single finds love and I’m just filled with this WHEN IS IT MY TURN WILL IT EVER BE MY TURN? feeling. Obviously, different than what you’re experiencing but that’s all I can relate it to, and it just plain SUCKS. So much. Because you WANT to be happy for this person, but it’s just too hard.

    Hugs. Thinking of you!

  • First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling, but I understand it’s really hard.

    Second, don’t feel bad about feeling angry/jealous when you hear about others’ pregnancy announcements. I think it’s natural to feel this way when you want something so bad and everyone around you is getting it. I felt this way when I was unemployed and everyone around me were getting new jobs. I wanted to feel happy for them, but I just wasn’t.

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed that this new plan of action works for you! xoxo

  • I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are allowed to feel how you feel and your friends will understand. Sending you hugs.

  • I have been there. SO badly. I say this a lot but feel all the feelings – if you try to cram those feelings back because of guilt they will bite you in the a** later.

    If you ever need to vent or have questions about medical-y stuff feel free to shoot me an email. (I have great song recommendations for when you have to give yourself a shot!)

  • Oh hun, I am so sorry. In no way do I know what you’re going through, but I remember each month it took for us to get pregnant, it was like a stab in the heart to hear when someone else got pregnant. (Especially when it was a surprise pregnancy. Grrr.)

    So many hugs and good pregnancy vibes your way.

  • It’s ok to feel like this — don’t beat yourself up over it. Feelings are never black-and-white. Love you, friend. I hope you get some good news soon.

  • Oh, SHITASS.
    That is what my mom (who never swears) says when she is really frustrated.

    This just SUCKS. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you ever want to talk. Hugs. Sending loads of positive energy your way too.

  • Casey

    You’re entitled to your feelings. I have never dealt with infertility but I do take injectable medications and it really isn’t bad AT ALL. Doesn’t even hurt, really. Just hoping I can give you one less thing to stress over. I hope pregnancy happens for you soon!

  • <3

  • I am so sorry you guys have to go through this. You are totally entitled to your feelings. You don’t always have to be happy for other people. It’s OK! I can’t say I understand how it feels, because I’ve never been in your shoes. But if it helps at all, I am a living proof that you shouldn’t give up. My mom was told she’d never be able to have children. She did tests and stuff but was still told no and voila – along came my sister and I. Turns out, the doctors were wrong. Hang in there, try to stay positive and keep smiling – you have a beautiful smile. Hugs, lady. xox

  • B

    Ya know, at least you can admit to your feelings. I think many would just try to push them down and ignore them but that wouldn’t help anything. I really can’t offer any advice but like everyone else, I’m sorry you have to go through all this.

  • Love, peace and hugs to you.

  • kim

    I am so sorry. It sucks when you find out that things aren’t going to work the way you hoped and when you realize you’ve been spending time and hope when you could have been moving forward.

    The injectibles suck for the fact that they involve needles but, at least for me, they were easier on the system than clomid. And I responded so much better to them. I hope you do, too.

  • I think those sorts of feelings are totally and completely normal and it’s okay to have them. It would be impossible not to. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you and I’m sorry this is such a difficult thing. <3

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  • sending lots of love your way, xo

  • just wanted to send a hug your way. Lindsay Doss sent me the link to your blog (my hubby and i are fellow Denisonians) and I published a post just today about our struggles. I know all too well what you’re going through and am wishing nothing but the best for you this year!

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