What’s Next?

by katelin on October 10, 2013

Heads up this is another one of those posts where I’m talking about my body and lack of pregnancy and all that SUPER FUN STUFF. So feel free to stay or leave, I don’t really mind either way. I just have some things to say and my blog is the right place for me to say it.

So, I’m not pregnant. The last round of medication and good ole fashioned fun didn’t do the trick. I sort of had a feeling it wouldn’t, that it would take an actual miracle that I just wasn’t due for yet. This just isn’t the time. My doctor said that this time should be the last time we try this way as we have my problems and some male factors not helping our cause and she said it’d be a waste of time to keep going that route.

So, what’s next?

Well next. As in immediately after writing this, I’ll probably cry some more. Because I’m a crier. And then I’ll have a big ole glass of wine because I DESERVE IT. And maybe I’ll even have a second. And then I’ll most likely get all teary again because I HAVE TOO MANY EMOTIONS ALL OF THE TIME. And then, then I’ll start to be okay again. I mean, I am okay. But I’m not the happiest I could be. I’m also not the saddest. Right now I’m just in that middle state of feelings and I’m not sure what to do from here. I thought 2013 would be the year I’d become a mother. I was wrong. Instead I’ve become a faux aunt several times over and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just not the best thing. I wanted this to be the year we’d make our parents grandparents, the year we’d turn our guest bedroom in a baby’s room and the year we’d have a real reason to dip into some of our savings. But alas, this is not that year.

So what’s really next?

Next, Matt and I are going to go to a fertility specialist recommended by my wonderful gyno. We’re going to meet and sit with them and hear our options. We’re going to ask questions and start figuring out where we go from here. And then we’re going to say “Thanks, let’s give this a whirl in January”.

Yes. We’re going to take a break. Ten months into this journey and I’m tired. And we need a break. Also, next month is a lot of traveling between the two of us and I don’t want that dictated by trips to the doctor or my body’s effed up timeline. And then it’s the holidays and sweet mercy if that isn’t always the most chaotic and neurotic time ever.

So yes, a break, a breather.

Am I sad? Yes. Am I okay? Surprisingly, yes. I feel almost Zen about all of this, it’s strange. A lot of my traveling and the holidays will involve other people’s babies and that’ll be hard, but it will also be wonderful. I feel like I’m in that weird state of mind where everything is good and sad at the same time, like I’m going to cry for whatever reason I just don’t know which one. It’s a fun time over here I tell you.

 

With that, thank you to everyone that has been there so far and I know will continue to be there for me (  / us)  in the future. As I am constantly reminded, this is not an easy road to travel and although ours has been full of bumps and detours we’ll get there eventually.

 

 

 happy thursday!

Posted in Me Things

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