Real Talk: PCOS Edition.

by katelin on July 10, 2013

Before I get started on this post I just want to go ahead and apologize to any family and friends that I haven’t told about this because really, it’s hard, and I can only tell this so many times without getting all flustered and bah. It’s about to get all super personal here and super girl talk and I hope you’re ready.

A few weeks ago after taking an ovulation test, I broke down and cried. I cried because I had no idea what the test was saying, I cried because I was annoyed I even had to take the stupid test and I cried because I was just so frustrated. As a surprise to no one, my baby fever and our general readyness has resulted in me trying to get pregnant since December. So far it’s been six and a half months of trying and negatives and weird body signals and a whole lot of nothing.

In April, days before my birthday I was diagnosed with PCOS, Happy Freaking Birthday to me. Don’t know what PCOS is? Let me enlighten you in something that 1 in 15 women have:

  • There are cysts on my ovaries that make it hard to determine when I’m going to ovulate (or if I’m going to ovulate) or have a period. They’re also causing my hormones to be out of whack, so that’s lovely.
  • I’ve been breaking out in acne all over like I’m going through puberty again (JOY!) and weight gain is a side affect as well but since I haven’t weighed myself in months I’m not quite sure if that’s actually happening.
  • I’m more prone to becoming a diabetic.
  • Infertility is a possibilty.

Awesome right? Yeah, not even a little bit. More like I cried when I found out and I screamed profanities (FUCK!) and I’ve just been trying really hard not to get deterred. Because you guys, even if I do get pregnant women with PCOS have a much higher possibility of miscarriage. And it’s terrifying.

On top of that I feel like this is taking a toll on our love life. Morning ovulation tests, remembering to take Clomid and monthly trips to the gyno are not the sexiest things. Matt assures me that it’s not and that I’m being crazy but I feel like this is taking over and taking the fun out of something that should be awesome and magical and hey future baby, we want to meet you!

Luckily Matt has stayed sane. And asked questions. And researched with me. And kept me level. And not judged my random fits of crying. And totally indulged me when I get to cuddle other people’s babies knowing how much I love it and how much it makes my heart ache. And just, breathe.

I know this isn’t the end of the world. I know modern medicine is amazing. I know I have a really awesome gyno who is helping me make plans and figure out what to do. I know that I have friends and family that are going through things much worse than PCOS and I just want to hug them. I know I have an awesome support system of wonderful people that check up on me and ask questions and keep me positive. But sometimes I just need to vent and cry and yell FUCK really loudly.

 

I wasn’t even sure I’d hit publish on this post because I didn’t really want to share this. But you know what? It’s happening to me, it’s part of my life and if I can’t share it on my blog then what am I writing for? I know I’m not alone in this and just, I wanted to get it out there. So there it is.

 

Breathe in, breathe out, it will be okay.

 

happy wednesday!

Posted in Me Things
  • sometimes sharing is the best form of coping and healing, the support that is this blogosphere is powerful and i hope that by hitting that submit button you gain some well deserved relief and support in the process. i’m here if you need anything.

    on a positive note i have personally held two beautiful babies whose mothers had PCOS, now i’m not going to say the road to that baby was easy, but it lead to that baby and that’s all that matters.

    love to you.

  • First of all, ::8-second hug::.

    Secondly, I think you’re really brave for putting this out to the universe. I hope you know that there are a lot of people out there who admire you and will be sending you light and love for this frustrating and scary journey.

    And third, my good friend Becky also has PCOS and has been writing her way through it. I know that no two women / PCOS diagnoses / infertility experiences are the same, and she’s much farther along in her journey, but still — I think it might help if you read some of her stuff. Start here if you’re interested: http://www.loveeverydaylife.com/2013/04/the-shame-of-silence.html

    And here’s another: ::8-second hug::.

    xo.

  • Having issues like these definitely messes with your mind. Endo isn’t the same, but somewhat similar… It’s been a hard journey with it, but there are good support networks out there and those made a world of difference to me!
    Do what you need to do to cope and heal. As a friend reminded me, this *is* a big deal in your world, it *does* matter. Thanks for sharing, and sending a lot of positive vibes your way!!

  • I have this theory where sharing your troubles takes the tiniest bit of the weight off of you and lets someone else take it. Thank you for writing about this and letting everyone who reads take a little of this frustration for you.

    I was just thinking about you the other day and thinking about how awesome you and Matt would be as parents, wondering if you two had plans for such adventures. So this post has me so happy that you two ARE working on those adventures and also feeling a fracture of your pain.

    I love you and hope that you beat all the little things that are trying to stack up against you because I know how happy it will make you. I believe that people who would be great parents and want to be parents have to have a little something pulling for them, in which case, you guys definitely have some fertility mojo just waiting to kick into gear!

  • oh, lovely, i am SO sorry. this is a big deal and you are entitled to all of the bitching and moaning you desire, and i’m so glad to hear that matt’s being really awesomely supportive (good on you for putting a ring on that!). i am just going to send all the positive vibes your way.

  • You know by sharing this you are gaining so much support, so much energy being sent your way AND you are giving support to ther women that may be in similar situations. I’m wishing you so much peace and hope that your future baby finds its way to you soon!

  • I think sharing things like this can end up helping. It can be a release and a whole new supportive community may emerge. You are brave! Tears, frustration, and anger are all normal things. Let yourself feel without apology. I’m sending so much love and good thoughts your way. You are one incredible lady and you can get through this. *hug*

  • I have nothing to say except that I’m thinking about you & hopeful this will all work out. You will make an amazing mother.

  • Super brave for putting this out there. I’m glad you have a great gyno and great husband, without those two it would be so much harder. Talk to Alynda – she has PCOS and just had an adorable baby girl Georgia. Hugs to you!!!

  • I’m so proud of you for posting this. I recently posted about my own struggles with pregnancy, so I have a slight idea of how you’re feeling. I haven’t been diagnosed with PCOS (yet), and we haven’t been trying quite as long, but I’m here with you, and I know how much it sucks.

  • Kiraa

    Kate! I love this and I think you’re so brave! ❤❤❤

  • Oh friend, I want to hug you and then have wine and mac & cheese and all of the things that make you smile to take your mind off of this for a while. I can think of about 5 different blogger friends who are dealing with this (which makes me shake my fist at the world, because really, is that necessary world?) and some other friends as well. I am a firm believer that talking about it does help, even when it’s big and scary and I’m also a firm believer in the fact that it will happen for my friends who are dealing with this. I have never met more determined, beautiful women than my friends who have PCOS.

    Always here for you and happy to help in anyway that I can.
    Hugs, love and thinking of you and Matt.

  • Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. You’re brave to share this and I hope that it helps you to get it out there. Glad to hear that you have Matt to keep you sane and I know that you guys will be the best parents, no matter what route you take to get there.

  • Girl. You’re a damn super hero for announcing this. I know there’s probably not much I can say to make you feel better, because you know that this is a big deal. But I’m also willing to bet that you’ll know you’ll get through it. Because you’re exceptional. Because we’re all here for you, no matter what you need. And because you’ll take it, each day at a time.

    All my hugs and love. ALL of them.

  • Zoe

    Love you.

  • It’s good to share. It is healing. You’re not alone in your baby-making frustrations & sadness. I think we must talk about the hard stuff so other women aren’t thinking they are freaks or alone. It’s not that easy to get or stay pregnant. I’ve learned that the hard way. Sending you big hugs. Hang in there. Xxoo

  • Hugs. I don’t really know enough about it to comment more than that, but I am so glad you shared this part of your life, even if it seems scary to put it all out there on the Interwebs. Sending a lot of love your way, so glad you have Matt to stand beside you.

    xox

  • kim

    Hey there! Cat sent me your way. I’m glad she did.

    I have had PCOS probably 2/3 of my life. I was diagnosed in high school, so thankfully I knew about it before we started TTC. That didn’t make it easier, though. I went through various infertility treatments (we also have male factor issues, so it was compounded by that). In January, I had my twin girls at 36 weeks. I have battled infertility and loss. The journey doesn’t end with them, but a new one begins.

    I’m throwing this all out there to say, I know how much it blows and I’d be glad to be a resource for you or someone to complain to via email, etc. Please feel free. Also, you can check out my infertility (now motherhood) blog at http://kimandmotherhood.tumblr.com/.

    Sending comfort and peace in the days ahead and thank you for sharing with others.

  • Oh Katelin. This brought tears to my eyes. I’m really sorry this is a hard time for you. I will be thinking of you guys, for sure. I am glad you shared…and I am glad Matt is so stinkin’ supportive. Hang in there, my friend.

  • Aw, lady, I’m so sorry.

    And as a polite reminder, just because someone else is going through a hard time or “something worse” than you doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel and express your pain. You’re allowed to feel the way you do. You’re allowed to cry and scream. You’re allowed to be quiet and not want to talk about it. And you’re allowed to talk about it without feeling guilty or ashamed. That way we can be here for you. We are here for you now.

  • Hey there! Just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel because I have PCOS too. I did have a miscarriage after my first pregnancy and after two years of trying we conceived via IUI and I now have a healthy 2-year-old daughter. Also, I have several friends with PCOS who had trouble conceiving their first child but their subsequent pregnancies came naturally and normal. And for me, that has been the case as well since I am nearing the end of my first trimester for what will hopefully be my second baby.

    My intent is to give you a success story to hope for, so I hope my talk of babies doesn’t make you feel bad! I just want you to know that I understand. The time after my miscarriage and leading up to the birth of my daughter was the hardest part of my life. I hope you don’t have to experience this much longer!

  • I’m going to be honest, I’ve never heard of PCOS before and just by you sharing your story, you’ve educated me.

    With that said, I’m not even going to mildly pretend to understand what you’re going through, but a good husband, good friends and family will get you through it.

    much love to you <3

  • Just found this post through Kate’s tweet.

    I have PCOS and it fucking blows. The end. My heart is with you and even though you don’t know me if you need to vent or word vomit or cry you can always tweet or email me! Seriously, PCOS can screw with your body, your mind, and especially your heart. Hang in there.

  • San

    All the hugs, friend. I wish I had any advice to offer, but I have NO experience in this department whatsoever.
    I hope you’ll accept all the love and support that I can offer ;)

  • Hugs, friend. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I have faith you and your doctor can work this and figure it all out. I also know that you’re not alone in having to deal with PCOS and I hope you sharing your story here on the internets helps provide you with support from others who have similar issues.

  • I wish I could say or do something that will help ease your pain. But thank you for sharing this with all of us. I like what Katherine said several comments up – by sharing, you’re easing your burden a bit.

    Hugs to you!

  • <3

  • I am so sorry, lady. I wish I had something wise or helpful to say but all I’ve got is sorry. Sending so much love and healing vibes your way. xoxo

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  • Hugs. Hugs and more hugs. And an extra dose of hugs just for good measure.

  • Oh, Katelin. I’m so sorry.

    I know from experience that hoping & trying for a baby can be incredibly emotionally draining. Hang in there.

  • Just sent you an email but wanted to put as many hugs as I possibly can on the interwebs for you. xoxo

  • So sorry to hear this, Katelin. Sounds like you have an amazing support system and yay for Matt for being all-around awesome. I know you will get through this. Thanks for your honesty.

  • Brittany Meibers

    Hey Katelin… I have been a slacker at reading your blogs, finally getting updated, and came across this and just wanted to give you a virtual hug if I could. Keep up your positive, bubbly attitude (as much as you can!!) and know that you’ve got an awesome amazing husband to go through this all with… and it all will work out one way or another! Hang in there and thanks for sharing, like so many, I get tired of seeing just the great wonderful “my life is perfect” blogs, I love seeing “real life”… as hard as that can be for all of us sometimes. Hang in there lady!

  • Thinking of you LOTS, Katelin. I know a few people going through similar things right now and I keep finding myself wishing there was something I could say or do to make things better and fix everything. You deserve everything in this world! <3 to you.

  • Denise Du Broy

    Oh Katelin……don’t quite know how I ended on your blog this am, but so glad I did. Sometimes life sucks! I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this. Whenever your name comes to mind it always conjures up that gorgeous smile and your beautiful persona! I will read a little more about PCOS and send you good thoughts. I know you will struggle through this and get to a good place because that’s who you are…sending you love!

  • Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry to hear this. You are so strong and brave to put this out there and like Katherine said, you sharing this with the internet takes some of the weight off you and shares it with all of this wonderful internet community. It sounds like you have a great support system. All of the hugs in the world. <3

  • Sigh. This is hard, Katelin, and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It’s crappy and sucky and there’s just no words I can say that will make it go away or better and that makes me sad. So much hugs and love to you and Matt. <3

  • This is hard. I am so sorry for you.
    And of course the longer it takes the more you want it to happen.

    I got diagnosed with myoma just last Friday. Which alone isn’t a big problem right now but could be one if they grow. I can get pregnant but the pregnancy can get difficult and miscarriage can happen as well. And the more they grow the worse it will be.
    My gyn told me if we want kids we should consider it within the next three years.
    And I am scared about miscarriage too.
    It’s an awful feeling.

    I am thinking about you and hope everything works out for you.
    Hugs!

  • I’m so sorry, Katelin. My heart breaks for you. I’m sending lots of fertile thoughts your way, and I wish you all the best.

    xoxo

  • I wish you love and light on this journey. Thank you for sharing <3

  • So, my apologies for commenting to this post so late, but I read it and I wanted to make sure I touched base with you. I’m so sorry that you’re having a difficult time right now. PCOS is a bitch. That’s all I have to say. It SUCKS and I don’t like it at all. I want you to know I’m sending love your way and keeping my fingers crossed. And I’m here if you need to talk.

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