In a Dream.

by katelin on February 13, 2013

I’m not usually one to talk about my dreams here, but what happened to me Saturday morning is worth the talk.

Matt woke me up before he left at 7:30 and then I went back to sleep. A sleep in which I dreamed I was hanging out with a group of my high school guy friends at one of their houses just talking and being ridiculous. It was so real. I began talking to my friend Steve about who knows what, until it hit me: he shouldn’t be there.

I tried to play it off in my dream and just let it be, let him be there even though I knew he couldn’t be.

We walked back inside where his hair changed from longish locks to a shaved head. And then everyone started saying goodbye and I lost it. I didn’t want to stop hugging Steve and I couldn’t stop crying. And all he could tell me was that “it would be okay.” But I knew it wouldn’t be.

I knew that when I woke up, he’d still be gone. He wasn’t there at all. But in my dream he just let me cry as I hugged him and said goodbye.

And then I woke up. Tears streaming down my face as I stifled sobs.

Steve committed suicide in October and there was no goodbye. There was no heads up, no warning, no ‘hey this will be the last time you see him’ memo going around. So that dream Saturday morning, that somehow became my goodbye.

I know it wasn’t real but it felt pretty real to me and I’m just glad I could finally tell him goodbye.

Steve

Steve’s family and friends created an organization to help people suffering from depression and thoughts of suicide, Man of Destiny Organization. Hope this can help at least one person today.

happy wednesday.

Posted in Sometimes I Get Serious
  • Jen

    Super big hearts, friendito. xo

  • wow. this brought chills to me.

    i want to say sorry about your friend, but i also want to say i’m happy for you to have some semblance of closure.

    remember: he’s always with you

    xo

  • Oh Katelin this just made me so teary eyed. I’ve had dreams like this before too. I once had a dream that I was hosting a party, and one of my close friends from high school (who passed away from cancer a few years ago) and my grandmother came, and when I opened the door & saw them, I immediately knew they shouldn’t be there. It’s such a weird feeling to know that your dream is a dream, because somehow, even in your subconscious, you know the impossibility of what is happening. It’s scary and wonderful to see them all at the same time. So hard to explain. Hugs <3

  • This gave me goosebumps; I am glad he is visiting you in your dreams and that you were able to hug him. Dealing with loss is so hard, especially when we don’t get the chance to say goodbye!

    Thinking of you, big hugs and lots of love

  • BIG hugs and lots of love your way. I had a very similar dream on the one year anniversary of my best friend in high school’s death. She also committed suicide and there was no warning, no goodbye, nothing. It’s the hardest. In my dream she came back from being on vacation and I picked her up at the airport. She talked about how much happier she was, how much fun she was having and how much she missed us. At the end, we all had to say goodbye and drove her back to the airport. It’s funny how our subconscious works it’s way through things but I also like to think it was their way of saying goodbye to us.

    xoxo

  • This is so sweet, I can’t stop the sniffles. Thank you for sharing this!

    xox

  • This gave me chills. It sounds morbid, but I’m glad you had this dream as it can give you closure to everything that happened. But I’m sure it was a hard thing to wake up to. Hugs and love.

  • Isn’t it weird how our subconscious works on processing things for us? I hope your dream helps you find some closure or at least helps you face your grief a bit more easily. Thanks for sharing the info about Man of Destiny.

  • Big hugs, lady. <3

  • San

    The subconscious is a peculiar thing. It sometimes makes connections and makes us aware of things that we haven’t found closure on or tried to “push” away. As strange as this dream must have been for you, it must have given you a sense of peace… somehow.

    Hugs.

Previous post:

Next post: