I’m not usually one to talk about my dreams here, but what happened to me Saturday morning is worth the talk.
Matt woke me up before he left at 7:30 and then I went back to sleep. A sleep in which I dreamed I was hanging out with a group of my high school guy friends at one of their houses just talking and being ridiculous. It was so real. I began talking to my friend Steve about who knows what, until it hit me: he shouldn’t be there.
I tried to play it off in my dream and just let it be, let him be there even though I knew he couldn’t be.
We walked back inside where his hair changed from longish locks to a shaved head. And then everyone started saying goodbye and I lost it. I didn’t want to stop hugging Steve and I couldn’t stop crying. And all he could tell me was that “it would be okay.” But I knew it wouldn’t be.
I knew that when I woke up, he’d still be gone. He wasn’t there at all. But in my dream he just let me cry as I hugged him and said goodbye.
And then I woke up. Tears streaming down my face as I stifled sobs.
Steve committed suicide in October and there was no goodbye. There was no heads up, no warning, no ‘hey this will be the last time you see him’ memo going around. So that dream Saturday morning, that somehow became my goodbye.
I know it wasn’t real but it felt pretty real to me and I’m just glad I could finally tell him goodbye.
Steve’s family and friends created an organization to help people suffering from depression and thoughts of suicide, Man of Destiny Organization. Hope this can help at least one person today.
happy wednesday.
Posted in Sometimes I Get Serious
