They were not alone.

by katelin on October 26, 2012

It’s another one of those rare times where I get serious. So if you don’t want serious today, go look at something else. Like this. Or this.

But when my life gets serious, my writing tends to get serious too. And I’ve been sitting on this for a bit and it’s time to let it out, so here we go.

The day after Matt and I got home from our vacation I found out that a friend of mine from high school had committed suicide. At first it was a flutter of “what’s going on?” and “is this real?” as his Facebook page filled up with “RIPs” and then I called and texted friends panicking asking if they knew anything for sure. Once it was confirmed I broke down.

I don’t know if it was hormones or jet lag or my exhaustion from a hellish first day back at work, but I broke. I sobbed into Matt, I sobbed into a pillow, basically I just sobbed. I hadn’t seen my friend in over a year but I still had so many ridiculous and happy memories with him that this shock warped me. It was like a piece of my youth was gone.

His funeral yesterday made it all more real, he wasn’t coming back. His huge smile, his fedora hats, his awesome dance moves, none of it was coming back because he wasn’t coming back. Yesterday I learned how truly loved Steve was and he wasn’t there to see it, to feel it, to know. He was loved.

A week after Steve committed suicide I got a call from my sister as she told me through stifled tears that a high school friend of hers had committed suicide. A girl my sister had planned to see over the holidays. A girl I had played volleyball with. A girl that was a total goofball and one of the silliest people I’d known. A girl my sister had so many funny pictures and fabulous memories with.

I immediately felt sick. Was this some cruel joke? This can’t be real, can it?

But it is.

She’s gone as well.

Her funeral is Tuesday and I know it will be another hard day. Another day surrounded by so many people that loved her and she won’t be here to see it, to know it or to feel it. She was so loved.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to grasp what either one of our friends was feeling or what made them think there was no way out, no help, no one there to listen to them. Because neither one of them were alone.

 

It just makes me want to help anyone I can. So if you’re reading this and you feel alone, please talk to someone. Talk to anyone. Nicole has posted about places that help and she supports them so much and we all should.

 

So hug someone today that needs it, heck hug someone that doesn’t need it. Let’s spread the love and we’ll all make it.

 

And thank you to so many of you that reached out through my emo tweets and tear-filled eyes and thank you to my friends for the love we shared yesterday for Steve, I’m so glad we can always be together and thank you to Matt for simply being there.

 

And remember, you’re not alone.

Posted in Sometimes I Get Serious
  • I am so sorry for you loss. Sending my prayers and love your way.

  • San

    This is so heartbreaking, Katelin. It’s scary to think that people can be surrounded by people and still feel so completely alone that suicide is their last resort :(
    Sending hugs and strength to both you, your sister and the families of those beautiful two people who definitely died too young.

  • I agree with San. This is just heartbreaking and I am so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if I can do anything for you. I’m sure there technically is nothing I can do to help, but I will, if i can.

  • Suicide is so tough to comprehend and I always find myself wondering WHY and there is no answer. It’s shocking to think back to how many people I’ve personally known to go this way, and it’s so sad.

    Sending good vibes and happy thoughts your way. xoxo

  • I’m so sorry for your loss. Suicide is so tough and sad and complicated. Mental illnesses are scary, and it’s horrible what they can do to wonderful people. I hope not only people who are struggling find the courage to ask for help, but also that as a society we find ways to better help people before they even get that far.

  • *HUG*

  • Zoe

    Love you.

  • Liz

    Awww Kate, I’m so sorry.

    For any of your readers who might be struggling through a crisis – they can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), 24/7. Or if anyone is worried that one of their friends/family is thinking of suicide, they call the Lifeline themselves for advice on how to help.

  • Oh honey, I know how rough this can be, and I’m really sorry you are going through such a hard time.

    Hugs.

    xox

  • Oh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear all this sad news :( This struck my high school several times as well and it completely breaks my heart that people feel there is no easier solution. Thinking of you! <3

  • Chanel Jibal

    So sorry to hear of your loss…. I will indeed hug someone this weekend. A few people. Take care of yourself.

  • Heartbreaking. I’m so sorry.

  • This post made me cry. Suicide is so, so heartbreaking and so sad to know people thought this was the only way out when there are people who do care. Breaks my heart every time. When I was in high school, one of my best friends brother committed suicide and it rocked our worlds. It was one of the hardest things ever and I just wanted to tell everyone I knew that they are not alone and there is someone who cares. Hugs to you. I am so sorry for your losses. <3

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  • I am so, so sorry Katelin. Suicide is just so heartbreaking and I hate that there are so many people who are so loved, but still see it as the only viable solution to their problems. I hope you’re doing okay.

  • Hun I am so, so sorry.

  • This is incredibly hard to deal with and there are really no answers to make it better. I’m so sorry.

  • I’m sorry for your losses my friend. This puts me complaining about not having power for 12+ hours into some serious perspective. HUG.

  • I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry & I’m thinking of you. Kudos to you for writing this post to remind people that they are not alone and help is out there. xoxo

  • oh darling, i am so sorry to hear this. a million cyber hugs.

  • Oh, lady, I’m sorry for your loss. I had a close friend take his life in high school and it’s something I’ve carried with me always. It’s a different sort of pain from other deaths and it’s harder than anyone can imagine. Hugs to you, and to all those who loved your friends.

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