It started when I thought Riley was down for the night (or at least a few hours in his case). Matt left to go to the store, I made myself dinner and naturally when I sat down to eat it, the little rascal woke up. He was crying and fussy and generally unpleasant, basically how most of yesterday went. He was sleep deprived and fighting it tooth and nail.
I went into his room, fed him and cried while I did it. Tears streamed down my face as I begged my child to go back to sleep. Eventually he did and I went back out to the front room and cried some more.
I cried because my child hates sleep about as much as I love it. I cried because even if I slept for three days I feel like it wouldn’t be enough to not feel exhausted. I cried because I love my child, but sometimes I feel like a bad mom when his crying drives me batty. I cried because when people say they have a “happy baby” I feel like Riley isn’t one of those. He’s a moody baby. A baby that smiles and coos, but also cries and fusses more often than not. I cried because I wanted this, I wanted motherhood so badly that sometimes I feel like an ass when I complain about it.
I also cried because yesterday I found out that a classmate of mine from college passed away unexpectedly in a bicycle accident on Tuesday. She was celebrating her one year anniversary with her husband in Napa and was hit by a truck. I wasn’t close to her but I feel like for as often as she posted on Facebook I still knew her. She was happy, she was in love and she was incredibly close to her family and her step kids. And the fact that she is gone is heartbreaking. I can’t imagine being her husband. I just, it’s terrible.
So yesterday, I let it all out. I had a good cry. A good long stream of tears down my face.
And that’s okay.
And I need to remember that.
happy thursday!Posted in Me Things