Pretty Sandy Feet

*A few weeks ago I started on injectable medication. It worked. It was expensive and sort of painful, but it worked. It did its job.

After we learned that it worked I was good to go for the IUI. We did it, we waited.

And last week we found out it didn’t work.

I’m not pregnant.

We knew that the IUI wasn’t guaranteed. There really is no guarantee when you’re fighting the uphill battle of infertility. But that doesn’t mean we weren’t hoping it would. Weeks of ultrasounds and blood draws and being on an actual timetable of medication, for nothing.

For a practice round if you will.

But how many rounds will there be? We don’t know yet. The next step will be to probably let me finish crying it out. As you all know, I’m a crier. I cry a lot. And when I got the call from our doctor saying the test was negative my face was basically leaking. I couldn’t stop it even if I tried.

And then the weekend happened in a blur with bits of happy spots but also breakdowns in the shower and a pity party like no other. I want to feel normal again, I want to stop asking WHY, I want this to be easier. But I’m not, I don’t know WHY and it’s not going to get easier.

And it’s not going to get cheaper. The IUI isn’t cheap. IVF isn’t cheap. Adoption isn’t cheap. So there’s a lot to think about. How many times are we going to do this. How much are we going to put ourselves through. How much can we actually spend without going broke. The next steps aren’t clear but we’re working on them.

I wasn’t sure I was going to talk about this but I’ve talked about everything else so far and Matt said that if this is how I feel better and if I need to write it out to move on, then do it.

So here I am, writing it down as we figure out where to go next.

Everyone here has been the best kind of cheerleader and just, thank you for listening and sharing support and being all around awesome.

xo

*I wrote this on Saturday afternoon and since then I’ve cried a bit more, hugged a bit more and slept a bit more. I’m feeling better than I was on Saturday and tomorrow I’ll feel better than I do today. So there’s that.

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