My mom is one of eight kids. My dad is one of four kids. I’m the oldest of four kids. To say I come from a large family would be an understatement.
All I have ever known is large families. And I love it. My family is close, my family is large and my family is my favorite.
So all I ever thought growing up was that I wanted a large family. I envisioned myself having at least three kids. Maybe four if I was feeling frisky. And if I found a partner who wanted a big family too.
Luckily Matt comes from a big family too and we’ve always talked about having a big family. However, our talks have changed. Because life has changed. And reality has set in a bit. It’s not nearly as feasible to have a large family in Southern California as it was for our parents or our grandparents.
Honestly, I’m so baffled as to how they afforded so many children. I feel like I took everything for granted because looking at my parents now, they were wizards. We were never rich, but we never felt like we were missing out on anything either. My parents provided me and my siblings with an amazing childhood. And somehow they made it work.
And now I look at me and Matt and Riley and I’m stuck. I want Riley to have everything, siblings included (even if it’s just one sibling), he can. But eff, life is expensive. And two self-employed incomes are unpredictable. And infertility is a royal bitch.
And just. I’m stuck.
I have a few friends that are currently pregnant with baby number two and I have this weird longing to join them. But at the same time, that would be ridiculous right now. Beyond ridiculous. In no way could we have another baby right now.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t want another baby – one day.
At the same time, as much as I want more kids I don’t know how I could love another kiddo as much as I love Riley. You guys, I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS RIGHT NOW.
Hormones are the worst.
Basically I need a crystal ball to tell me everything and tell me my life plan.
I also need Riley to stop judging me (I kid, that judgey face is my everything).
So yeah, that’s where I’m at right now. Hurray adulthood!
Posted in Me Things