Okay Then.

by katelin on March 27, 2017

Untitled
First of all, thank you. After I wrote my last post I instantly felt a weight lift. Not all of the weight, but some of it. And it was just enough weight to help.

Since I wrote that post a week ago, I haven’t cried. I haven’t unnecessarily snapped at Matt or Riley. And I haven’t felt all that sad.

Yes, I’m still tired and I feel like that’s just the side effect of parenthood but I’m not so tired that all I want to do is sleep and nothing else.

It also helped that after I hit publish on my blog post my village reached out. My village of people sent me messages and texts and sincerely asked me how I was doing. I was sheepish in responses because I was partially embarrassed that I felt so low and partially relieved to admit that I wasn’t fine. I took help when it was offered and I stopped trying to do everything all at once.

I realized that I really just need to slow it down and I need to be okay if I don’t get everything I want done all of the time.

Basically, I’m working on it, I’m working on me. And thanks for sticking by as I figure it out.

 

xo

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Not Okay.

by katelin on March 21, 2017

UntitledI have a confession.

Last week, I was not okay. Not in the least. I broke down crying several days in a row. I was lethargic. I was short-tempered. Everything was spiraling downwards and I didn’t know why. Nothing was okay. I was not okay.

Friends and family would ask me how I was doing and I would reply “Fine.” I was “fine.” I was always “fine.” I mean hell, I was tired too. But I was “fine”. Because I didn’t know what else to be.

And if you’re reading this now, I’m sorry I didn’t say more. Clearly, I know how to write my feelings better than I know how to speak about them.

But I am still not okay.

The picture above? That was a brief two hour period of sheer happiness on Saturday afternoon. It was the bright spot (literally) in a bleak few days. I didn’t know what to do. After that picture was taken, I brought Riley home for nap and he refused. I snapped at him. And then I cried some more.

I literally let him chill in his crib, not nap and I sat on the floor of my bathroom crying saying “I’m not okay.” It was awful. And gut wrenching. And I felt like I was treading water without getting anywhere.

By Saturday night, when we put Riley to bed, I literally had Matt hold me and I broke down. I was full on sobbing and I didn’t know why. Was I depressed? Was I stressed? Was I broken? I honestly didn’t know.

And honestly, I still really don’t.

I am finally starting to feel like myself again, like I’m coming up for air and everything isn’t in despair. But I’m not totally there.

I still feel weighed down. I still feel a little bit sad.

I’m not writing this post to say “Oh woe is me”, I’m writing this because I wanted to share it. Life is not always perfect and hell, feelings don’t always make sense.

And keeping them to myself definitely doesn’t help.

So  I’m here, saying: I’m working on it. I’m working on me.

As always, thanks for listening.

 

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It’s Okay to Sit.

March 13, 2017

TweetI have a confession to make: Sometimes, I sit down at the park. Not that big of a confession, but one I felt needed sharing nonetheless. You guys. Sometimes I walk Riley to the park and I just want him to play. I don’t want to have to follow him around and monitor his every […]

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Currently.

March 8, 2017

Tweet Drinking. All the coffee. And wine. But mostly coffee. Watching. Everything. Seriously, my Netflix queue is bursting and my DVR is full. But my current favorites right now are Big Little Lies, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Black Mirror and TGIT. Reading. The Underground Railroad and albeit a real serious subject, it’s pretty good so far. […]

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Let’s Make the Bed.

March 1, 2017

Tweet I have always hated making the bed. So much so that most of my high school and college years I purposefully just slept on the comforter so I wouldn’t have to make the bed. When Matt and I moved in together we were mutually indifferent to making the bed. So our bed was constantly a […]

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Sweet & Sour.

February 23, 2017

Tweet You know those Sour Patch commercials where they go “At first they’re sour, then they’re sweet”? Well, I feel like it’s an accurate portrayal of my life now. Or basically my life with a two year old. On Tuesday, I was having a day. I don’t even know what happened or what came over […]

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Riley: Twenty Four Months.

February 14, 2017

Tweet You guys, can you believe I have a TWO year old? I can’t. I really can’t. I mean, he’s been two for over a week and I’m still in a bit of denial over here. In any case, I figured it would be kind of fun to do a monthly check-in because two is […]

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On Turning Two.

February 3, 2017

Tweet Dear Riley, On Sunday, you’ll turn two years old. How that happened is beyond me. Last I checked, you were still a sleep terrorist who liked cuddles and a wooden spoon and could barely say ‘mama.’ Now you’re a toddler sleep terrorist who loves hugs and throwing balls and is surprising us daily with […]

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